Nature's Santuary

The Explosion

Dec 24, 2008

The Days are numbered~ and so am i~ i wont live forever, neither will they. My heart haf died, bt it had been reborn. my mind haf been blasted, bt it haf been reincarnated. my soul is pierced,slashed,crippled, and it cannot be healed. everyday i live in the shadows, waitin for the opportunity to strike. Bt i haf lost my goal, my target. nw im jux a wondering soul searchin for something tat can revive me, my soul. as usual, the front of me is always the cheerful one, bt the back of me, is the one tat crys and got hurt. never am i able to speak wat i am thinkin inside of me to others.. cause the courage and confidence within haf already been shattered. yet again.. i've been hurt.. and this time.. it hurt even more. Isit such a painful thing to put it dwn and let it pass..? yes it is.. bt the fear of gettin it isnt. nt tat i dont wanna speak.. bt its a fear and barrier tat sets me apart. i dun want to lose wat i haf nw.. cause im afraid.. if i speak.. things would never be the same again.. a fear tat nt many faces. a feeling tat u nor him or her haf to face.. all bt me.. its all me.. i am my greatest enemy.. and i am losing the battle.. ppl say im goin crazy.. tats all it is.. i fear tat too.. say im too sensitive.. i change quickly. say im able to adapt.. i does.. say im able to face myself.. im not. and i never did.. i fear.. tat i never will.. i used to be able to do it.. bt since i lost u.. the courage and confidence is all gone as well.. its time for u to go.. so i bid you farewell.. the fear and pain still resides in me.. whether i like it anot.. seeing u go is not the easiest thing to let go. it never was.. and it never will be. Nw.. i thought i found a new one.. bt it turns out... tat its harder for me than i thought.. i haf neither the faith nor courage to love. and its becoming worst day by day.. the hurt is gettin deeper and deeper, never was it healed. neither did it ever started. things would be easier off if i could jux escape from myself and never think of love or anyother things again.. i could do it for all other stuffs.. i didnt care.. but for love.. it never let me escape.. and i couldnt cause it makes me weak. i wanted but i couldnt.. everyday i shiver in fear.. and i doesn't know y.. perhaps.. i fear tat u leave and never come b.. perhaps.. i fear tat the new love tat i felt would turn out to be the same endin as the one i had before.. if i spoke out. or perhaps.. its both. i dont wan to think about it.. tats y i always want to go out wif my group of buddies or brothers.. i can take my mind off and jux dun think about it.. and its when im truely happy~ cause i cant feel my heart within. everytime when im left alone.. these feelin comes back as quickly as it had left. nthin can stop them.. This christmas.. i thought i could celebrate wif u.. bt it was all nthin bt jux a wishful dream and fantasy. for the past few days i've been out.. i truely felt the warmth in my heart.. for this i thk my brothers... for i thought we drifted.. bt we're as funky and fun as before.. ^^.. nt tat i wan to be emo.. bt these emotions jux come to me without me knowing.. things tat i cant control. if i could.. i would already be the happiest man ever.. sometimes i wonder if death could stop this feel .. cause its really damn fustrating to feel like tat... nt only it brings one dwn.. but it makes one get hurt even more and carves it deeper and deeper every second.. every milli sec.. to make the hurt even greater and more painful.. as it too ... destroys the alrdy deprived coourage and confidence left. i haf to go~ i need to, i MUST go.. bt how am i to escape the clutches of these emotions.. kill myself? drown myself.. or haf someone bring the warmth back into me.. im losin this battle.. i need someone.. someone i can rely on.. could it be u.. or her..or is thr some1 else. i am afraid.. lonely christmas.. my heart cries for u.. my heart aches for every step u take.. for u are leaving further and futher away... and we drift apart.. fades into the shadows.. i am the shadow... the shadow of the past..